Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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