I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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