I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
