And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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