I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
