hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
