Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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