im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
