Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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