I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
