Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
