bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
