I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
