I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
