if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
