dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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