Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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