I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
