how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
