Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She bit a glass in half.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
