Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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