After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
