I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
