I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
