I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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