She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
