I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he quoted the bible to break up with me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
