I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
