my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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