life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I will be naked everywhere
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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