Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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