I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
