went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Operation Purity has been aborted
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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