Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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