Your face is a jimmy john
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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