Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
