Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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