Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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