I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I skipped work to stalk him.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
