i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
