2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
