half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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