Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
