I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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