dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
