If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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