The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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