After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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