Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
