I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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